Launching Sexology.com – I was interviewed for Playgirl Magazine!!

Sexology
In Bed With Catherine Oxenberg
Interview by Nicole Caldwell

It’s surprising, to say the least. In a world where many consider feminism passe—where you can purchase a vibrator or dildo just as easily as you can a pair of shoes—roughly one-third of all women have never experienced an orgasm. In 2014, a half-century after the so-called sexual revolution, women are still very much strangers to their own bodies. Unable to access our own innate sexual energy, we allow sexuality to be equated with promiscuity, ejaculation with penises, and sex itself with intercourse and penetration.

Armed with disturbing sexual data and determined to unlock the key to feminine sexual energy, Catherine Oxenberg (“Dynasty”, “Acapulco H.E.A.T.”, the soon-to-be released Sleeping Beauty) and Gabrielle Anwar (“Burn Notice”, Scent of a Woman) sought out sexual experts, tantric masters, researchers, and everyday women to create a documentary and website devoted to the discussion of female sexuality and the revelation of feminism’s greatest potential. Sexology launched its website in January (sexology.com), which features full-length, uncut interviews from the documentary and resources such as films and literature to educate and entertain on topics of other-worldly sexual experiences. The Sexology documentary film, edited by two-time Oscar-nominated editor for The King’s Speech and American Beauty, Tariq Anwar (also Gabrielle Anwar’s father), is scheduled for release this summer.

We sat down with Catherine Oxenberg to get her take on the state of female sexuality, her own sexual journey, and the story of how this daughter to a Yugoslavian princess, actress, and sex symbol came to be the poster woman for women harnessing their innate sexual power.

PLAYGIRL: Why do you feel, in 2013, that the world needs a documentary about vaginas, female orgasms, and achieving one’s “deepest bliss”?
CATHERINE Oxenberg: Quite simply, why wouldn’t we? Sexual energy is nothing more than life force. Once one learns to harness this energy intelligently, one has access to an infinite wellspring of vitality, joy, and a sense of inner coherence and well-being. Stress and exhaustion are replaced with effortlessness and ease. In the words of Dr. William Masters [preeminent gynecologist and senior member of the Masters and Johnson sexuality research team], “Sex is unchartered territory…no one knows anything about sex.” Sadly, more than 60 years later, not much has changed. Sexual illiteracy is still rampant. We still have no idea what our bodies are capable of, and how mastery of bodies can bring one the deepest sense of purpose, fulfillment, confidence, and joy.

What about this project has resonated with you on a personal level?
Everything. This project is my personal journey of discovery. On one hand, I believed that i had a great sex life. On the other hand, I had a persistent, nagging belief that there was supposed to be something more. When I first experienced my entire body as orgasmic, it completely changed my reality. I experienced countless orgasms from every part of my body: fingers, hand, nose, mouth, upper palate, heart… Literally, my genitals could retire. It made the concept of “multi-orgasmic” seem comical. I looked back at my history of short-lasting, tension clitoral orgasms and they seemed like junk food. Extended, deep states of pleasure were rewiring and healing my nervous system. It occurred to me that orgasmic energy was meant to be cultivated, harnessed, and channeled; not just for recreational purposes, but for health, prosperity, vitality, radiance, anti-aging, purpose, alignment, joy, passion, and creativity. This revelation had such a profound effect on me, that I had to share this with the world. I wanted to shout from turrets and rooftops: “We have not been using this incredible resource correctly!”

Regardless of how much success i had in other areas of my life, I was always plagued by a persistent belief that i was defective in some way because i could rarely achieve orgasm during penetration. I now understand that there was nothing wrong with my hardware; there had only been a glitch in my software. That problem was correctable. All women are fully orgasmic, they just don’t know it yet. Ultimately, through our research, we have discovered that a woman does not even need sex to experience her full orgasmic potential. We are orgasmic beings: “orgasmicness” is an expression of “bursting with the fulness of life”. We just need to be given permission to surrender to our truest essence. We need to know it is okay to feel pleasure. Every single woman who has accompanied me on this journey has had similar, extraordinary, life-changing breakthroughs.

In what ways will your work on this project change the way you view your own sexuality?
I had been treating my body with about as much finesse as a chimpanzee banging a tambourine; when in fact, I am—we all are—a Stradivarius violin. A highly refined instrument, capable of playing the most complex symphonies; not just a one-note wonder. I am ashamed to admit that i knew so little about my network of arousal and my own anatomy.

Of all you’ve learned doing these interviews, what has been the most shocking?
So many things! One, how little is known about female sexuality and the female genitals. Two, that ejaculation and orgasm are two separate reflexes for men and women. The four-phase androcentric sexual model (developed by Masters and Johnson) ending in male ejaculation (conveniently) is ass-backwards because sex is not linear! Women are the ones who are supposed to ejaculate (frequently!)—not men! The Taoists say, “You should never sail up a rocky river.” This means don’t enter a woman until she has ejaculated! Merely being wet is not enough to gain entrance! Three, men can learn to have full-bodied orgasms without ejaculating every time, which means sex does not have to end so quickly—and the guy does not have to pass out in a post-coital coma. The biggest problem for men is that their their sexual energy ends up being localized in their genitals. Finding ways to move sexual energy into their hearts allows them to experience what it is like to make love versus having sex. This is something most women take for granted. Four, most women suffer from vaginal numbness. Once we heal that, the landscape of our vaginas becomes radically different; extremely sensitive, responsive, and alive. We traveled around the world, finding all the best, most effective techniques for genital massage. And five, I learned that friction fucking is passe. Those pumping pornographic demonstrations that most young men attempt to replicate on us mere mortals, are in fact damaging to our sensitive genitals—and theirs! Our sexual skills seem to have been bypassed by evolution; remaining as base and rudimentary as a caveman maniacally rubbing two pieces of flints to spark a flame. It is time to refine our skills. A full 76 percent of women admit to faking orgasm at some point, yet no man I have met admits that any woman he’s been with has faked it. All you ladies, stop faking! Our men will never learn what pleases us if we keep pretending!

What one major thing do you feel women are missing out on about their own sexuality?
To know how good it feels to be in a woman’s body. This is probably the one thing I am most passionate about. Most of us have no idea that we are a playground of heavenly delights. In fact, our power comes from our ability to generate insanely delicious states of physical ecstasy in our bodies. When we feel good, our outlook seems rosier, we become juicer, we move through the world with greater confidence and wholeness. But let me clarify: This is not about being promiscuous. This is about being in an intimate relationship with your feminine essence. One of the healers we interviewed said, “Men have muscle power and women have sexual power.” Sexual power is creative power. Women need to recognize this. When we cut off our connection to our sexual energy, it is like trying to run a car without putting gas in the engine. We restrict our ability to impact the world. Perhaps this is traditionally why men have been more successful. They did not shut down their genital generators. They somehow knew how to keep this impulse fanned. Maybe not always in the healthiest ways, but it might have been better than shutting it off, like most women do.

Why do you suppose so many women are out of touch with their own bodies and sexuality?
Probably from centuries of being burned at the stake as witches for opening their legs. I can imagine that this might have been a deterrent to exploring sexuality in a healthy way. Historically, women’s bodies have been stigmatized, their libidos demonized. Even today, we are burdened by the stigma that good girls don’t and sluts do. Women have suffered from sexual deprivation since the beginning of civilization. Hysteria—a medical term until the 1950’s—was the most prevalent diagnosis for women from the time of Plato (who coined the term). The cure for hysteria was to be sent to a doctor who would stimulate the woman’s genitals until she achieved a “hysterical paroxysm”. These women were sent to a doctor because their husbands felt it was too time-consuming and burdensome to relieve their wives themselves. Today, “Female Sexual Dysfunction”, or “Female Sexual Arousal Disorder” has replaced the diagnosis of “hysteria”, but our bodies are still being pathologized. Ladies, we do not have a dysfunction! It just comes down to a lack of understanding of our inner-workings.

You’ve spent your career in the world of television and movies. How do you think Hollywood has affected women’s senses of their own sexuality, bodies, and sex in general?
For the most part, the way sex has been portrayed in the media perpetuates the same old antiquated myths. Instant mutual climax is one of my favorites! There is hope though, with recent films like The Sessions. I am curious to see Lars Von Trier’s film, Nymphomaniac.

How do you expect Sexology to be received by the public?
I hope people will be as curious as i was, and continue to be, as my landscape of possibility just keeps on expanding. I hope men and women are ready to expand their sexual repertoires beyond grade-school education and monochromatic porn. Sex really is the final frontier!

How do you like being on the other side of the camera as a producer?
I absolutely love it! I have never had so much fun in my entire life!

Be sure to check out Sexology’s website at sexology.com. And stay tuned for the documentary film, featuring an interview with Playgirl’s own Editor-in-Chief, Nicole Caldwell.

Originally published in Spring 2014 issue of Playgirl (#67)

in defense of monogamy!

So often, I hear the same blah blah boring old story – That men are basically polygamous and that monogamy is unnatural. In these peoples’ view, marriage is the most unnatural arrangement of all. And I nash my teeth in despair!

The standard argument takes us on a well-honed journey back to ancient times from caves to tribes to harems where polygamy was the norm. Here is their proof that this is true male behavior.

And, so it seems, that women “the proverbial ball and chain”- (lovely title! NOT!) – are blamed for coercing men into a lifestyle that is abhorrent and unnatural to them.

I have never been a big fan of polygamy, as I am way too possessive and proprietary to consider sharing my man with other women, (although I have been shared without my consent and it was one of my least favorite experiences!) but last year, I had dinner with a Muslim prince when I was in Oman and I asked him to explain polygamy from a Muslim perspective. He explained it quite rationally. In the bloodthirsty times of yore, when wars were aplenty, and the Koran was freshly inked, such a huge percentage of their men were killed, leaving countless women without any hope of a husband. Mohammed felt that it would be a kindness to have the remaining men marry the unfortunate surplus of females so that they too could delight in the joys of childbearing and motherhood, and hopefully birth a new generation of virile men.

There was a strict code that was established stipulating that each woman had to be accorded the same standard of living  – there was to be no second rate wife parked in a trailer. Or third or forth! I asked the Prince if he had more then one wife. We were at dinner and only one wife had accompanied him, but the previous evening, he had been surrounded by quite a few women. I hoped not to insult him or his lovely bride, but I was consumed by curiosity. He laughed, “Oh goodness, I could not handle or afford more than one wife! In fact most of my generation opt for one wife, it gets too complicated and too expensive! They become best friends and gang up on the husband. He doesn’t stand a chance!” Apparently, those other women from the previous night had been his wife’s sisters. I sighed with relief. I wanted to shout, “welcome to the 21st century!” But I bit my tongue.

A previously poly-amorous friend of mine said that after many years of “spreading the love” she had decided that the benefits monogamy outweighed her previous lifestyle. “The only way to have depth in a relationship is with one person.”

I see monogamy as a progression of humanity’s evolution. Just because it feels unnatural, doesn’t mean that is it! It just means that it is unfamiliar compared with thousands of years of primitive behavior. I am hopeful we are moving beyond a survival-based existence.

It is a privilege to dance on this earth with your beloved, your soul mate. Together you can reach the stars, plow the depths of your souls, experience communion, and witness eternity in each other’s eyes.

I think of the Vedas – the Sacred Hindu scriptures, “Within the microcosm, lies the macrocosm.” This means that the human body is a miniature prototype of the universal body. I have had experiences where I have connected to a sense of expansiveness – not on drugs, I swear! – When I felt like the planets and the stars were within me.

If each one of us is a prototype of infinity, then how could a man tire of one woman? It could only mean that he had reached his limitation of being able to experience his own infinite nature.

Monogamy is the journey of the beloved. It is the capacity to experience the all and-the-everything through the ONE.

What could be more beautiful? What could be more of a privilege?

Just because it is challenging on a daily basis, why does that make it unnatural? To see your true self reflected back through another, to know yourself to the depth of your soul. To reach into the mystery and find the answer in your beloved. What a gift!

May you all find your beloved – unless you already have – and may they kick your butt – as they inevitably will – until you become all that you can be!

And together, may you both help each other shuck everything less then love.

I pronounce you husband & wife!

On June 22, the Summer Solstice, aka Midsummer Night, I had the honor of marrying 2 adorable friends of mine – Ben & Jaime -both young enough to be my children, intoxicatingly in love, ridiculously glamorous & earthy and authentic. That about sums them up! I had never performed a wedding before, so I was understandably anxious when they asked me – what if I messed up their special moment? That could be awkward and mortifying! Ben & Jamie seemed strangely confident that I would be wonderful – how they could be so sure, considering I had no previous experience, was a mystery to me!

At least I couldn’t be worse than the minister who officiated Ben’s father’s wedding in January! He was a dead ringer for the minister in the movie Hangover 2. Wait a minute – It was the same guy! But his delivery wasn’t very smooth, and he kept mispronouncing the groom’s name and stumbling on the dialogue – I wondered if he had gotten sloppy after the luxury of getting to do multiple takes on film! Note to self – do not make the same mistake! There are no second takes up on that podium!

What was bizarre, is that I had become a minister back in January, when another friend of mine had told me that she might want me to marry her and her boyfriend. I really wanted the 2 of them to tie the knot, so I was inspired. Within 24 hours, I became an ordained minister – it actually was far easier than I expected!

After a brief meeting with the bride and a flurry of emails back and forth, I plunged into unfamiliar territory – the writing of a sermon. I agonized over it. I wanted it to be perfect for them. Casper suggested that I do it like the priest in Princess Bride! – thanks, honey, for being sooo helpful!

I guess I am a good advocate for marriage – I am married, for starters, through the thick and the thin of it. I have no illusions about what it takes to make a marriage work – lots and lots of work! I am both a romantic and a pragmatist. I believe deeply in the sanctity of marriage, and the institution of it, and the power of a witnessed covenant.

I wove all my life experience into my writing. Thank goodness I got a stamp of enthusiastic approval from the couple –  I definitely poured my heart and soul into their ceremony.

They sent a car for me to pick me up at Denver airport and gifted me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a lovely gift basket in my hotel room. I was touched by how thoughtful and appreciative they were.

At the rehearsal brunch, Ben shared about how his heart had physically hurt after he met Jaime, “I think it was because it was having to expand to take in all of her.” He pointed to his beloved, beaming. “I am the luckiest man in the world!” The love in the room was so palpable. The waterworks unleashed! Get a grip, girl! I hoped I didn’t cry during the ceremony!

Later I went back to the hotel to get dressed, and to my horror, saw that my pale green silk dress was covered in yellow blotches. Ugh! Why had I not noticed this before?!! How embarrassing! I had not brought anything else to wear! I looked in the mirror – this was decidedly a little more boho then the chic that I had planned! I prayed that the flounce of the silk would distract people from seeing the discoloration!

The bride decided that all the women in the wedding party should be barefoot as the wedding was in the garden – thank goodness I just had a pedicure! She thought it would be lovely for my feet to be covered in sparkles – which was fine by me – anything to take the focus away from the dress! Unfortunately, the maid of honor was a little too liberal with the glue spray can – which had to be applied so that the sparkles would adhere  – and she glued my toes together – making my feet look webbed!

It was almost show time! I could feel my heart pounding a bit too fast! I tried to take a deep breath, but there wasn’t sufficient give in the bodice. I don’t remember the dress feeling this tight! I am not sure how much was attributable to the altitude, but I was definitely having a hard time breathing. Crap, I was not feeling super confident! I started texting my friend Gabrielle for support – she kindly coached me into a more subdues state!

The garden had been transformed into a fairy wonderland with white rose petals everywhere. I trotted down the aisle, after Ben’s youngest sister who was dressed as a fairy flower girl, twirling my dress rather energetically to prevent the silk from sticking to my gluey-webbed feet. All the while praying that no one notice the tacky stains or the webbed feet!

I made it to the podium! Yeah! – Without tripping on my dress – which was precariously long in bare feet, or catching on fire – the groom’s sister was carrying a giant flaming torch dangerously close to me!

Ben joined me under an arbor draped in white orchids, wisteria and crystals. Miraculously, I became calm as soon as I focused on the joy in Ben’s face as he watched his stunning bride approach. Her face was overflowing with light and love and joy. Crap, I could feel the tears welling up again. And I had no Kleenex tucked away!

I rang a bell and plunged into my sermon. All 3 of us were nestled together under a cascade of white flowers. It was so intimate. I saw tears spilling down the bride’s face – it was contagious. At least she had access to her husband’s pocket handkerchief – I thought it might be tacky if I asked to share it! Then my nose started running! A couple of times, I turned away, trying to wipe the snot away, without being too obvious! I had never seen a minister cry before, I wondered how professional that was! Oh well! Couldn’t be helped!

They repeated after me, “You are my life, you are my love, my best friend…” Rings slid onto expectant fingers, I pronounced them husband and wife. And then, in a flash, it was all over!

Every single guest came up to thank me afterwards, saying that it was the loveliest ceremony they had ever witnessed. Oh boy, was I grateful! And grateful that Ben & Jaime had faith in me and had coaxed me to go beyond my comfort zone.  They both announced, “We could never have done this without you!” Which might have been a bit of an exaggeration! But generous, none the less!

Jaime’s manager came up to me afterwards to congratulate me. “Well, you probably do this all the time, it’s your profession, after all!” I died laughing. “I’m an actress, I’ve never done this before!” He looked so confused!

Truth be told – I loved the experience. It was so rewarding. Every word I uttered was such a testament of love – it just poured out of me, straight from my heart.

I would do it again, in a heartbeat!

Excerpt from the ceremony ~ a passage that Jaime picked ~

From “Corelli’s Mandolin” by Louise De Bernieres

 “Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides 

you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined 

together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is 

not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal 

passion… That is just being “in love,” which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over 

when being in love has burned away”

To do the film or not to do the film!

Casper and I both got offers to do a film.

The glitch is that our characters are both married to other people. My husband is Zeus, and his wife is Medea – who traditionally goes crazy and kills her children, but unfortunately for me – does not in this modified version of the Greek myth. Instead they go off happily into the sunset. To make matters worse, my character sees his character be all lovey-dovey with his screen wife. Puke!

(How immature do I sound right now?!)

At first, I was really excited at the prospect of working again – it’s been a while since I have done any acting– and, I like working with Casper.

He and I met on a film, we got engaged on a film, we have had many adventures working together around the world.

The character I have been asked to play is Hera, Queen of the gods. This would be a reprisal for me.  The 1st time I played her was for a Lexus commercial in 1998. I will never forget my audition – I tripped on the hem of my long white dress and did a face plant! I was mortified!

I started off reading the script – I was loving my character, loving the dialogue – the writer/director had written this character with me in mind, and he had gone a fantastic job. This dialogue fit me like a glove. This was such a great role. It would be so much fun to play the  goddess of them all!

And, then, all of a sudden, I got to a scene where Casper’s character has to smooch his wife, (not me!) in front of my character and tell her that he loved her. My heart sank. Ugh. I don’t know if I could stomach watching that without freaking out.

In previous films, where we have been confronted with similar situations, things have not worked out so well. In one film, I was so traumatized, that I froze and could not, for the life of me, remember my lines. It took me 30 takes. It was awful for me and for everyone else in the scene. In fact, that might be why I decided not to act for a long while!

I wish it didn’t bother me. But…it does. I am embarrassed to admit it. It doesn’t sound sophisticated or mature.

It sucks because I would really have loved to play this character. On top of that, how do I tell the director, who is a friend of Casper’s, the reason why I can’t be in his film? How professional does that sound?

I sound so silly. I keep telling myself – It’s just a job! – Why can’t it be just a job? I don’t know. I am a very visual person and I have a hard time erasing images from my memory. I tend to torture myself by regurgitating and reliving these flashbacks.

I didn’t always admit to being so messed up! I did try to be the supportive wife, dutifully attending every premiere, pretending that it didn’t bother me. But, deep down, it did. And, eventually, I had to be honest and decided that I had to take care of myself. It was better for me not to see him ‘acting in love’ with other women. Even if I knew intellectually that it wasn’t real, my nervous system and my heart couldn’t tell the difference. So, I stopped going to his screenings and I still change the channel when one of his films is on TV. Not all, just the ones where he has a romantic interest.

I feel like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand – As long as I don’t see Casper kissing or making out with anyone else, I can just about handle it.

We have a policy that our children don’t watch many of his films for the same reason. It is too confusing for them.

Over the years, Casper and I have gone through a lot of negotiation, figuring out what types of roles we could and couldn’t do as a married couple – and as parents.

We came to the conclusion that it would be best if we didn’t do love scenes with other actors anymore. It is just too weird and creepy.

I know that there are plenty of other married actors who say that it

doesn’t bother them at all – It is just part of the business. I really wish I were like that!

After reading the script, I went through some serious thinking last night, and, before I definitively say no, I am going to ask the director if he can stage the scenes so that I don’t have to see anything I don’t want to see (This is taking ostrich theme to an extreme!) We have a meeting on Thursday – let’s see what he says…

I want to make it work, i want to be brave, I just don’t know if I can! 😦

The gift of vulnerability

All of us women, at some point, complain about our men –surprise, surprise! – How insensitive they are, how they never listen, how they don’t communicate well, how they have trouble with intimacy and difficulty being vulnerable.

“They really are the problem sex!” is our age old mantra.

Somehow, WE feel WE have it all figured out when it comes to relationships.

Well, maybe I should stick to “I” instead of “WE” for the time being! After all, these are some pretty heavy accusations I am making, and I don’t know if all women will appreciate being dragged into the pit of damnation with me!

Often, I am so convinced that my way – the feminine way – is both superior and the right way – that if my man is not doing “it” (whatever “it’ might be) the way that I want him to do it, then I often discard his efforts. This seems harsh and it is – and it had to be pointed out to me by a very wise female relationship therapist called Dr. Pat Allen.

Dr. Pat talks about how men face rejection all the time. “Men traditionally initiate with women, asking them out, and women generally are the ones who get to reject or accept mens’ advances – it is a very vulnerable place to be in – to be in the position of being rejected – over and over again.”

“Okay, that’s true. I hadn’t thought of it like that. I can see how that could take a toll – the threat of rejection looming over every overture.”

And yet they persevere, nonetheless – I guess because us women are so irresistible (just joking!) – or that men are willing to risk rejection as long as it means that there is a slim chance that they could get laid! (more likely!)

Then I had a thought- what if men felt vulnerable all the time? What if they were accustomed to feeling that way and equally habituated to disguising it?

This is my theory = Look at their anatomy – they are anatomically very vulnerable. Their genitals hang out – In fact, what could be more vulnerable? Their entire means of survival – their crown jewels – are completely exposed! Not to mention the survival of the human race! They are intrinsically biologically vulnerable in a way that we may never feel. We may be physically and emotionally vulnerable in a different way – but the flavor – the quality – is different. I don’t know if this is making any sense to any of you!

And, on top of that, a primal man could never admit that he was vulnerable – that could mean death in a primitive culture – so he would have to cloak and masquerade and posture as strong, as invincible – otherwise his whole tribe could be compromised, overrun, wiped out. Suddenly, I was looking at men through a different lens.

Perhaps men learned a covert, subtle way to communicate their vulnerability. So that others wouldn’t perceive or recognize it as such. Or at least, just not me!

The more I observed through this new filter, the more ways I uncovered how my man was communicating his vulnerability all the time, only it was so subtle, so clandestine, that I didn’t even notice what he was doing, until it was pointed out to me – by this insightful sister.

I asked Dr. Pat,  “what about married men?– they don’t have to deal with rejection all the time.” She laughed out loud, “How many times do you reject your husband’s sexual advances?”

“Oh!!!” It finally dawned on me. The old cliché – honey, I’ve got a headache. At least, I wasn’t the only culprit! She was right, again. Then she asked, “How many times do men say no to sex?”
“Never!” That was a funny thought. “We just take it for granted that they won’t reject us”

“Exactly!” she smiled knowingly, “ We don’t know what it feels like to be rejected all the time. We really are in the driver’s seat.”

Suddenly, I saw my whole pattern so clearly. I was embarrassed and relieved at the same time. I like having my blind spots exposed – even if it doesn’t feel fantastic in the moment! But how could I have been so blind? It all seemed so obvious now! – That was the embarrassing part!

I thought about how many times a day my man would come up to me and attempt to be affectionate, and how I would systematically brush him off. Eeek! It always seemed that he wanted my attention at the most inconvenient times. I decided to look at what the word inconvenient meant to me – and I discovered that it meant that I felt a sense of loss of equilibrium – I felt sidetracked, derailed – in essence, I felt that I had lost control – Now I was on to something – and when I lose control, I feel – yes, say it – vulnerable. That word again! It hurts to admit that maybe I am more uncomfortable feeling vulnerable than a man! It didn’t feel so good being vulnerable on someone else’s terms, on his terms. Why was that? Was I that much of a control freak? Maybe…

When I looked at my behavior, I was shocked to see how many times a day I rejected him. I was missing out on so many opportunities to connect with him.

I am working diligently to change my behavior – I’ll admit, this habit is so deeply ingrained, it is still hard for me to stop what I’m doing, and to respond to him without feeling irritated when he’s interrupting me.

Now, when he grabs me to give me a big hug while I’m madly juggling bubbling saucepans at the stove, I take a deep breath, resist the urge to push him away and screech, “NOT NOW!! Can’t you see I’m BUSY?!!” Instead, I stop what I’m doing, connect with him, to fully receive his gesture of affection.

The moment I started to surrender to his overtures 100%, even if it was for a brief moment, I felt this influx of love. I realized that I was less drained at the end of the day and that I felt more connected to him. It seems like a little thing, but it made a big difference.

I think that I also had a fear that interruptions would impede me from getting everything done, but the truth is, I can accomplish so much more when I allow myself to be fed by his love, on his terms, not just on mine.

It is time for me to learn some lessons about vulnerability from the master in disguise- my man!